i'm gonna write him a letter
and say all the things
i say never

i can send it off straight away,
tomorrow
i've got some stamps
and a heart full of ashes

left behind from his fire

oh i'm gonna write you a letter
send it to your mama's house
all the way in the south of france

i'm gonna write you a letter
and say all the things
i should have said

put out the cinders
left in my chest

ruffle my hair,
put on some lipstick
sharpen my pencil
i'm ready

i can send it off tomorrow
i've got some stamps
i've burnt it with my last cigarette

no more need to delay
i think i've said all i need to say

i wrote you a letter
tried to send it to your mama's house
all the way in biarritz town

well, the postman
he returned it today

threw it up the stairs
with a note that read
"sweetie, he's not worth the
salt in your tears"






i burnt the letter.

do your thoughts contain me?
like you are posessing mine?

i'd like to throw you out the
windows that are my eyes

those that have been flooded
once again tonight

i feel horrible for hurting him
only
worse for longing for you

this pain, was formed over many years
in the middle of nowhere
layered by the weather, time, memories

your brash,
salty sea has erroded my tender emotions

the scales say i'm lighter
can't be so
when my heart
sinks like a stone

fri 11:02pm dec 11th

you filter in and out of my mind
i'm sure none of this matters to you
as you've already found her
whoever she may be tonight

but baby,

i'm the one who made you
every meal for at least three weeks
i'm the one who made you
cum so hard you couldn't breathe

you're the one who made me
love better than i ever had
but still
you're the one who made me
feel more broken than you found me

how do you feel now that you
exist on the other side of the world
as you watch our babies
what do
they mean to you tonight?

i'm the one who couldn't help myself
you never could stop yourself
from making me the one

the one who gave you more
lovin than you deserved

you just can't help yourself
can you, my king?

i'm the one who became dessert
after your main course was her

the hardest time is when your heart is hollowed and emptied by someone you care about.

but when you make the conscious decision to let all hatred go, continue to love, and forgive them...

that's what hurts the most.

i have faith it's what is best in the end.

we should take the pain we feel and turn it into love no matter how internally painful it can be. you can take something so negative and give your loved one the gift of love. hopefully it will help them to be more present to your delicate emotions the next time around.

i will be light. i will





be love.

loving is the key to forgiveness:::refilling a hollowed heart

today i cried when i washed my face.

i walked to the sink room with soap in my hand, grabbed a washcloth out of the linen closet on my way and turned on the water.

maybe it was the sensation of warm water on my face that became my trigger.

or maybe it was all the female country/indie/folk music i was listening to before i made my way down the hall.

or maybe it was because my friend hurt me with actions that they couldn't control because of being under the influence of alcohol. actions they couldn't control because i wasn't on their mind while they acted them out.

or maybe it was because i'm human.

when people we love hurt us, it's so easy to be angry and to do or say things that will pierce their heart like a spinning knife on fire that had a picture of their happiest memory pasted on it.

i continue to learn as the months go on, my beautiful journey continues to unfold, and tears stream down my face from my own pain. i continue to love.

my own mother has hurt me. my own father has hurt me. my faith in all things good was tested by taking my sweet baby brother away from me when i was thirteen and he was seven. i've witnessed my parents hurt each other, themselves and others.

i had a deep understanding of suffering at a very young age. we all suffer, each one of us. every human knows on some level what it feels like to have our hearts feel hollow. that's human.

it's would be easy to continue the cycle my parents started for me. i've hit my own brothers with my fist, i've called names and pulled hair. i was a child and copying the behavior of the adults around me, my parents.

(it makes me sick to think about that now. that i could ever be so miserable that i'd have to act out angrily with anyone, let alone my sweet little brothers; makes me think i should write them each a letter and tell them how much i regret my angry reactions and that i love them more than the moon is bright.)

now as an adult, i can see that my parents weren't loving and adoring to themselves, so how could they have possibly had the energy to love and adore me?

i realize that the way to my happiness and a righteous existence here as a human, is to first love myself. i love myself so much that i get excited to be me when i wake up in the morning. i'm awesome! the second is to love everyone, all humans unconditionally and without expectations.

i'm sharing this because even though i feel like i've figured out part of my "way to higher consciousness" puzzle, i still need reminding of the ways of love and actively loving.

when i'm hurt by you, i will still love you. when you're hurt by me, i will still love you and will have faith that you will still love me too.

the only experiences i know are my own.

indiana 12.8.09

rain's falling, falling and falling
bringing me down
but i can't go
she's calling
calling me when i sway
begging me to stay
i'm out of here

that sweet girl
indiana
the only girl that can lay claim
to my birth
sweet, indiana
don't be so kind


i'm no good for you and
i'm no friend of mine
when i'm with you

your darkness pulls me in further
until i'm down, down, so down
walked away once
and away i'll stay

you're a sweet girl
indiana
the only girl that i deny my existance
sweet indiana,
you're no friend of mine

In 5th grade I received the "Helpful Helper" Award in my class

World peace begins with you.

You will choose to be friendly whether or not it's your first instinct.

It's easy for you to promote goodwill.

A smile and a helping hand are your best tools.

--Holiday Mathis 12-6-09


I feel as though Holiday reminds me daily of how strong of a person I am and also, how I truly do have a good heart.

it's been a long time, long time now

how i felt the wednesday you came back from mexico

i thought i'd have another day to miss you...
and now here you are again
kissing my skin
like you never left

you came back a day early
the surprise took away my
breath

here we are
we lay in bed tangled
up in shades of purple
green and blue

as the sky turns from
pink to yellow
to orange and then
blue

ben harper
counting crows
bob dylan
serenade us


we see the sun's silhouette disappear
once again
it's our time
a few hours of gentleness
a time for love
just between us

let's keep things just between us
you betwixt my legs
passionate and full of lust

you said "I love you girl"
i knew that already
a sweet melody to my ears