self-evolution

i feel as though recording these thoughts will help to remind myself of their significance and importance.

i have been learning a lot lately. i feel like my brain could explode at any moment. it is so full of newly learned life lessons, knowledge, creative ideas, music, memories, dreams and more dreams.

i'm a day dreamer. i dream twenty four hours a day, awake or asleep. i have a photographic memory. my dreams are almost always very vivid and full of surprises. i am blessed as my dreams often come true.

i am learning when to keep quiet and to hold space for others when they are speaking. i am learning that i am a humble student of the universe and the lessons i still have yet to learn are many.

i have learned how much i love myself and how essential loving myself is. i've learned that being alone isn't lonely. my time alone is mine, all mine! i look forward to the times i am by myself and i make sure that i have moments by myself whenever i need to recharge.

i'm acknowledging and accepting all the wonderful traits i already possess and i also acknowledge the traits that aren't serving myself or others. feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness are slowly becoming non-existent. i am choosing to give and recieve love. i choose to BE love every time i have a choice, which is often.

me, winter 2007

my genius woke me up from my nap today and this came out of me:



i walk around monument circle downtown indianapolis
i keep my head down cause nobody
nobody wants this mess ive worked myself
into once again its all my fault
i'm left on my own navigating
the struggles of being adult

my rent's late the lady came by today
opened my door while i showered
doesn't she know i'm naked
it's negative twelve degrees

shes asks when i'll have the money
that i'm late again
as soon as i can ma'am
as soon as i can make more

cause this broken record inside my chest
causes me to go out and drink it all down
my clanking radiator keeps me company
along with the neighbor whose snoring
i hear each night he sleeps
i'm all alone in this lonely
one bedroom on vermont street

this is what happens most of the time
with no car and no guy
no guy that sticks around anyway

i bundle up and walk up mass ave
hoping for someone to talk to me
not sure who it is i'm hoping for
i only attract losers around here
i deserve more than this

i slip into the chatterbox
live jazz five nights a week
liquor and music
i make myself go out
this is the first time i've lived alone
with no friends close

that was me then breaking out of my shell
not having a clue what choices to make
with no guidance, i made all the worst ones
but there was live jazz music at the chatterbox five nights a week
and live blues at the slippery noodle every night

i went there once on halloween alone
i met a couple who got me wasted, bought me drinks and a tshirt.
looking back, i think they wanted to sleep with me
but naivety won, thank goodness that night

Be Inspired: The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.


Thanks to the folks at Superforest.org for sharing this

inspiring woman

i adore june carter cash. she never gave up on her own happiness. she was a very strong woman who wasn’t a stranger to suffering. she went through a public divorce with small children during a time when divorce was abominable and she was the angel that helped johnny cash get sober. as you probably know the story, she married johnny and they lived a loving, beautiful life together. i want a love like theirs, a love that has many layers, but was able to stand the test of time and tribulation because of the inspiration they gave each other to be committed to their relationship, their music and each other.

i want to live here!

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/apa/1651824723.html

what a cute little place. i love the dark wood cabinets and the colored tiles. makes my heart go pitter-patter!

i am happy!

today i was at the beach with my roommate helen and friend sue. as i sat looking at the waves crashing into the ocean beach fishing pier and occupying myself with people watching, i kept silently going “is this really my life?!” i get to lay here on the beach, get a tan, watch hot men play frisbee, dip my toes in the cold water when i’m hot, read the new issue of rolling stone, smoke some weed and drink coconut juice?! this is MY life?

i am so lucky! i am so happy! for the past five months i keep saying to everyone “this is the happiest i’ve ever been in my life.”

in november, i left a serious relationship that i felt was unhealthy for my being. it was a very difficult and painful choice, but i know i made the right choice. i came back to san diego, back to my same job/home at the hostel. i was at zero. i didn’t love myself much at all. i was miserable and depressed.

my super awesome friend cat invited me to stay with her for a two weeks in cardiff, up in north county san diego. those two weeks were the beginning of an amazing personal transformation. i did a lot of hula-hooping, dancing, laughing, smoking, reading, surfing, slack lining (with a cute brazilian!) and cooking. i did a lot of self-reflection, thinking and writing. life was good.

after cleansing myself, i moved back downtown to the hostel where i have been for the past five months. i settled into working at the hostel 20 hours a week which covers my rent and utilities. the rest of the time i spent hooping, dancing, laughing, smoking, reading, creating art, writing, socializing, spending hours exploring in balboa park and continuing the internal conversation with myself. i’ve been busy.

i have worked a few small, temporary jobs here and there to supplement my food and social life. i’ve applied for some jobs, had a few interviews, but haven’t gotten hired.

eventually friends and co-workers started hassling me about not having a job. “how do you eat?” “don’t you want a job?” “you are lazy.”

ouch. that last one hurt a little.

i don’t feel like i’ve been lazy and i’m also having a REALLY good time. i am extremely happy. i feel like i’ve gone from zero to one hundred since november. i’ve met and made some amazing friends and a few lovers in the past five months from france, brasil, england, panama, new zealand, and south africa. friends i will keep in touch with and have dreams of visiting as soon as possible.

i have been feeling guilty lately about not having a steady second job with steady income because of judgement from others. i have been consumed with what others think about my life style and choices. i feel ashamed for saying “i’m not working anywhere but the hostel, but i’m really happy.”

today in a conversation with myself i said, “self—why do you do this? you deserve to be happy! doesn’t everyone?” “duh, of course i do! i am worthy of happiness! me! ME!”

i’ve realized that i can live with very little and be 100% satisfied, happy and grateful for everything i do, own, eat, enjoy, and experience as it happens, in the moment. i feel as though i’ve conquered the art of living in the power of now, taking each sweet moment with appreciation and acknowledgement of each blessing.

i’ve been applying for more jobs because i feel it’s something i need to do. i want a job that makes me feel like i am being an active and positive influence in my community. i’m not sure what that position is yet, but i’m manifesting that it will reveal itself when the time is perfect.

i am also working towards becoming a better writer, piano player, guitar player, and student. i want to be a lifelong learner and hope to start classes again in the fall. i’ve even had moments of inspiration to be a teacher. i’m excited for my future.

right now i am actively working at being a better listener and friend. i’m practicing recognizing when those around me have the need for me to hold space for them. i am taking the time to check in with those i love more often.

i am very glad that i have taken the past five months for my self. to recuperate, revive and renew my spirtual being. i needed it and i am worthy of the time and effort put into making myself a better human being.

may the transformation continue…

namaste

do YOU go to sleep happy every night?

a recent picture of my grandpa in his new hat.

me, with grandpa and grandma in 1987.



yesterday my grandma asks me via text "grandpa wants to know if you go to sleep happy every night?"

as i laid on the beach enjoying a picnic lunch with one of my favorite goddesses, hannah, i didn't even hesitate to say out loud "fuck yes! i do!"

i immediately picked up my phone and had a good ten minute silly conversation with my grandpa. wow, i'm blessed.

for the first time in my life i go to bed happy every night and wake up grateful to be alive every morning. for the first time in my life i know i am in the right place. every day is the best day ever. every moment is the perfect moment.

how awesome!