today i was at the beach with my roommate helen and friend sue. as i sat looking at the waves crashing into the ocean beach fishing pier and occupying myself with people watching, i kept silently going “is this really my life?!” i get to lay here on the beach, get a tan, watch hot men play frisbee, dip my toes in the cold water when i’m hot, read the new issue of rolling stone, smoke some weed and drink coconut juice?! this is MY life?
i am so lucky! i am so happy! for the past five months i keep saying to everyone “this is the happiest i’ve ever been in my life.”
in november, i left a serious relationship that i felt was unhealthy for my being. it was a very difficult and painful choice, but i know i made the right choice. i came back to san diego, back to my same job/home at the hostel. i was at zero. i didn’t love myself much at all. i was miserable and depressed.
my super awesome friend cat invited me to stay with her for a two weeks in cardiff, up in north county san diego. those two weeks were the beginning of an amazing personal transformation. i did a lot of hula-hooping, dancing, laughing, smoking, reading, surfing, slack lining (with a cute brazilian!) and cooking. i did a lot of self-reflection, thinking and writing. life was good.
after cleansing myself, i moved back downtown to the hostel where i have been for the past five months. i settled into working at the hostel 20 hours a week which covers my rent and utilities. the rest of the time i spent hooping, dancing, laughing, smoking, reading, creating art, writing, socializing, spending hours exploring in balboa park and continuing the internal conversation with myself. i’ve been busy.
i have worked a few small, temporary jobs here and there to supplement my food and social life. i’ve applied for some jobs, had a few interviews, but haven’t gotten hired.
eventually friends and co-workers started hassling me about not having a job. “how do you eat?” “don’t you want a job?” “you are lazy.”
ouch. that last one hurt a little.
i don’t feel like i’ve been lazy and i’m also having a REALLY good time. i am extremely happy. i feel like i’ve gone from zero to one hundred since november. i’ve met and made some amazing friends and a few lovers in the past five months from france, brasil, england, panama, new zealand, and south africa. friends i will keep in touch with and have dreams of visiting as soon as possible.
i have been feeling guilty lately about not having a steady second job with steady income because of judgement from others. i have been consumed with what others think about my life style and choices. i feel ashamed for saying “i’m not working anywhere but the hostel, but i’m really happy.”
today in a conversation with myself i said, “self—why do you do this? you deserve to be happy! doesn’t everyone?” “duh, of course i do! i am worthy of happiness! me! ME!”
i’ve realized that i can live with very little and be 100% satisfied, happy and grateful for everything i do, own, eat, enjoy, and experience as it happens, in the moment. i feel as though i’ve conquered the art of living in the power of now, taking each sweet moment with appreciation and acknowledgement of each blessing.
i’ve been applying for more jobs because i feel it’s something i need to do. i want a job that makes me feel like i am being an active and positive influence in my community. i’m not sure what that position is yet, but i’m manifesting that it will reveal itself when the time is perfect.
i am also working towards becoming a better writer, piano player, guitar player, and student. i want to be a lifelong learner and hope to start classes again in the fall. i’ve even had moments of inspiration to be a teacher. i’m excited for my future.
right now i am actively working at being a better listener and friend. i’m practicing recognizing when those around me have the need for me to hold space for them. i am taking the time to check in with those i love more often.
i am very glad that i have taken the past five months for my self. to recuperate, revive and renew my spirtual being. i needed it and i am worthy of the time and effort put into making myself a better human being.
may the transformation continue…
namaste
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