self-evolution

i feel as though recording these thoughts will help to remind myself of their significance and importance.

i have been learning a lot lately. i feel like my brain could explode at any moment. it is so full of newly learned life lessons, knowledge, creative ideas, music, memories, dreams and more dreams.

i'm a day dreamer. i dream twenty four hours a day, awake or asleep. i have a photographic memory. my dreams are almost always very vivid and full of surprises. i am blessed as my dreams often come true.

i am learning when to keep quiet and to hold space for others when they are speaking. i am learning that i am a humble student of the universe and the lessons i still have yet to learn are many.

i have learned how much i love myself and how essential loving myself is. i've learned that being alone isn't lonely. my time alone is mine, all mine! i look forward to the times i am by myself and i make sure that i have moments by myself whenever i need to recharge.

i'm acknowledging and accepting all the wonderful traits i already possess and i also acknowledge the traits that aren't serving myself or others. feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness are slowly becoming non-existent. i am choosing to give and recieve love. i choose to BE love every time i have a choice, which is often.

me, winter 2007

my genius woke me up from my nap today and this came out of me:



i walk around monument circle downtown indianapolis
i keep my head down cause nobody
nobody wants this mess ive worked myself
into once again its all my fault
i'm left on my own navigating
the struggles of being adult

my rent's late the lady came by today
opened my door while i showered
doesn't she know i'm naked
it's negative twelve degrees

shes asks when i'll have the money
that i'm late again
as soon as i can ma'am
as soon as i can make more

cause this broken record inside my chest
causes me to go out and drink it all down
my clanking radiator keeps me company
along with the neighbor whose snoring
i hear each night he sleeps
i'm all alone in this lonely
one bedroom on vermont street

this is what happens most of the time
with no car and no guy
no guy that sticks around anyway

i bundle up and walk up mass ave
hoping for someone to talk to me
not sure who it is i'm hoping for
i only attract losers around here
i deserve more than this

i slip into the chatterbox
live jazz five nights a week
liquor and music
i make myself go out
this is the first time i've lived alone
with no friends close

that was me then breaking out of my shell
not having a clue what choices to make
with no guidance, i made all the worst ones
but there was live jazz music at the chatterbox five nights a week
and live blues at the slippery noodle every night

i went there once on halloween alone
i met a couple who got me wasted, bought me drinks and a tshirt.
looking back, i think they wanted to sleep with me
but naivety won, thank goodness that night

Be Inspired: The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.


Thanks to the folks at Superforest.org for sharing this

inspiring woman

i adore june carter cash. she never gave up on her own happiness. she was a very strong woman who wasn’t a stranger to suffering. she went through a public divorce with small children during a time when divorce was abominable and she was the angel that helped johnny cash get sober. as you probably know the story, she married johnny and they lived a loving, beautiful life together. i want a love like theirs, a love that has many layers, but was able to stand the test of time and tribulation because of the inspiration they gave each other to be committed to their relationship, their music and each other.

i want to live here!

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/apa/1651824723.html

what a cute little place. i love the dark wood cabinets and the colored tiles. makes my heart go pitter-patter!

i am happy!

today i was at the beach with my roommate helen and friend sue. as i sat looking at the waves crashing into the ocean beach fishing pier and occupying myself with people watching, i kept silently going “is this really my life?!” i get to lay here on the beach, get a tan, watch hot men play frisbee, dip my toes in the cold water when i’m hot, read the new issue of rolling stone, smoke some weed and drink coconut juice?! this is MY life?

i am so lucky! i am so happy! for the past five months i keep saying to everyone “this is the happiest i’ve ever been in my life.”

in november, i left a serious relationship that i felt was unhealthy for my being. it was a very difficult and painful choice, but i know i made the right choice. i came back to san diego, back to my same job/home at the hostel. i was at zero. i didn’t love myself much at all. i was miserable and depressed.

my super awesome friend cat invited me to stay with her for a two weeks in cardiff, up in north county san diego. those two weeks were the beginning of an amazing personal transformation. i did a lot of hula-hooping, dancing, laughing, smoking, reading, surfing, slack lining (with a cute brazilian!) and cooking. i did a lot of self-reflection, thinking and writing. life was good.

after cleansing myself, i moved back downtown to the hostel where i have been for the past five months. i settled into working at the hostel 20 hours a week which covers my rent and utilities. the rest of the time i spent hooping, dancing, laughing, smoking, reading, creating art, writing, socializing, spending hours exploring in balboa park and continuing the internal conversation with myself. i’ve been busy.

i have worked a few small, temporary jobs here and there to supplement my food and social life. i’ve applied for some jobs, had a few interviews, but haven’t gotten hired.

eventually friends and co-workers started hassling me about not having a job. “how do you eat?” “don’t you want a job?” “you are lazy.”

ouch. that last one hurt a little.

i don’t feel like i’ve been lazy and i’m also having a REALLY good time. i am extremely happy. i feel like i’ve gone from zero to one hundred since november. i’ve met and made some amazing friends and a few lovers in the past five months from france, brasil, england, panama, new zealand, and south africa. friends i will keep in touch with and have dreams of visiting as soon as possible.

i have been feeling guilty lately about not having a steady second job with steady income because of judgement from others. i have been consumed with what others think about my life style and choices. i feel ashamed for saying “i’m not working anywhere but the hostel, but i’m really happy.”

today in a conversation with myself i said, “self—why do you do this? you deserve to be happy! doesn’t everyone?” “duh, of course i do! i am worthy of happiness! me! ME!”

i’ve realized that i can live with very little and be 100% satisfied, happy and grateful for everything i do, own, eat, enjoy, and experience as it happens, in the moment. i feel as though i’ve conquered the art of living in the power of now, taking each sweet moment with appreciation and acknowledgement of each blessing.

i’ve been applying for more jobs because i feel it’s something i need to do. i want a job that makes me feel like i am being an active and positive influence in my community. i’m not sure what that position is yet, but i’m manifesting that it will reveal itself when the time is perfect.

i am also working towards becoming a better writer, piano player, guitar player, and student. i want to be a lifelong learner and hope to start classes again in the fall. i’ve even had moments of inspiration to be a teacher. i’m excited for my future.

right now i am actively working at being a better listener and friend. i’m practicing recognizing when those around me have the need for me to hold space for them. i am taking the time to check in with those i love more often.

i am very glad that i have taken the past five months for my self. to recuperate, revive and renew my spirtual being. i needed it and i am worthy of the time and effort put into making myself a better human being.

may the transformation continue…

namaste

do YOU go to sleep happy every night?

a recent picture of my grandpa in his new hat.

me, with grandpa and grandma in 1987.



yesterday my grandma asks me via text "grandpa wants to know if you go to sleep happy every night?"

as i laid on the beach enjoying a picnic lunch with one of my favorite goddesses, hannah, i didn't even hesitate to say out loud "fuck yes! i do!"

i immediately picked up my phone and had a good ten minute silly conversation with my grandpa. wow, i'm blessed.

for the first time in my life i go to bed happy every night and wake up grateful to be alive every morning. for the first time in my life i know i am in the right place. every day is the best day ever. every moment is the perfect moment.

how awesome!

A LoVE Event:::A reflection & celebration

This past week has been AWESOME! I am overwhelmed by all the beautiful blessings that exist in this heavenly world.

I am over-joyed, over-filled, and over-loved. On Sunday, February 28th, I attended A LoVE Event: benefiting the Matt Wadleigh Foundation and Oxfam for Haiti. The event began as a dream of my friend and fearless leader in love, Melissa Grove. With the help of her community and their subsequent smaller communities, she was able to make her dream a reality and raise $4100 of LoVE. And what a beautiful vision it was.

When I first arrived, I realized that the venue AMSDConcerts.com, was actually a beautiful church complete with bibles and hymnals in the pews. That night I was revived with the fever, love and excitement that can be found in an old church revival. I was re-charged spiritually by the leaders and elders of my community. I was shown mercy and compassion, love and grace.

As we waited for the show or 'service' to begin, I took a few moments to soak up my environment. I went to the bathroom, said hello to some friends, embraced others, shared a story or two, flipped through the church hymnal, and had a nice moment with a cute guy out in front of the church. Yup, this IS church. I've been here before. :)

I'd like to indulge myself in a long-winded essay about my being, past and present. I would also like to share the transformations I've been blessed with experiencing. These are my thoughts, straight from the inner workings of my being. This is my soul on this computer screen.

As I sat down in the pew and the service began, I became present to so many beautiful memories that exist throughout my twenty or so years associated with my upbringing in the Missionary Church. Throughout out my life, church was one of the regularly used words in my family's collective vocabulary. "What time are we leaving for church?" "Hurry up! You'll be late for church!" "Dick, can you warm up the car before church? I'll freeze to death if you don't." Church was an integral part of my life, because my mom's parents were a very large part of my life.

I attended church on both Wednesday night and twice on Sundays. Wednesday night service consisted of elementary, middle school, and high school youth group classes that would occur between 6:30 to 9:00 p.m. every Wednesday. On Sundays we would attend 'Sunday School' from 7:30 to 9:30 am with a small break before the big congregational service for donuts, coffee, and "fellowship".

I grew up celebrating every major holiday and birthdays with my immediate family, second cousins, and our 'church family', all who were a part of my weekly environment that revolved heavily around church. I have memories of beautiful, love-filled moments at that little white country church.

My favorite Sundays were when my grandfather would get up to welcome everyone and would always be the most captivating, charismatic, loving guy. He'd shout out "Good Morning!" as he practically leaped onto the stage. He was excited to be there! He was happy to be worshipping God every Sunday with a room full of believers. Occasionally he'd perform magic tricks and organize game/camping nights. We'd all camp in the large grass lot behind the church and play team games. My favorite was always water balloon volleyball. :)

But Grandpa wasn't just on fire for God at church. He was always happy when he saw someone he knew at a store, restaurant, etc. He'd always take the time to say hello, ask how their families were doing and believe me, he knew a lot of people. He would drive an extra hour most Sunday mornings to pick up kids from lower-income families who didn't attend church because he believed deeply in his heart that everyone should have the opportunity accept Jesus Christ into their hearts and experience the same joy he did by worshipping every Sunday. My grandfather is the most honorable, well -respected, kind and loving man I've ever known and he was a deacon and Sunday school teacher for many years. Throughout the years he and my grandma continually give me the gift of love and living life true to my self and true to my convictions. To him, everything was worth celebrating with a loud and boisterous 'alright!' or 'amen!. ('Praise the Lord' came often after I came home ecstatic that I had made another audition.) He is always excited about life. My grandfather asked Jesus Christ into his heart sometime around age twenty. From what I can tell, this was a major transformation in his life, accepting something bigger than he was, for the greater good of the world. By being a Christian, always lending a helping hand and standing by their extended family; my grandpa and grandma raised me with their own way of "Being Love."

Speaking of my Grandma, next to every extraordinary man (Grandpa) stands an even more extraordinary woman, the bearer of life. My grandma is sweeter than pie, has a heart big enough for the whole world to sit in, and is the most selfless giver I've ever met. She is a radiant example of what a woman can accomplish. She has raised four children, worked full time for nearly thirty years while her kids were in school and was also a full-time wife, cook, housekeeper, and secretary-treasurer for the church. She is always there for her friends, and regularly had a large group of amazing women around her at all times, going out to dinner, women's retreats, etc. Most of them were also members of the church. She always made it a point to visit and prepare food whenever anyone was ill or someone passed away. If she couldn't visit, she'd send a card and Grandpa would drop off a platter of food.

About once every quarter, we'd welcome missionaries home and back into our church after a year or longer commitment in places like Sri Lanka, India, and China. This was always a very exciting time for me as a child because the missionaries would have hundreds of pictures, stories and artifacts to share. For a kid growing up in Goshen, Indiana, a town of about 30,000; hearing these stories and seeing the photos of far off lands was one of the most fascinating experiences I had as a child. I would dream about the next time the missionaries would visit our church. I was constantly mesmerized with the idea of travel and helping people.

My grandparents showed me that serving others is an important part of being a Christian. Our church family would go to the local mission and prepare dinner and provide a church service once a month for the residents. I remember being five and after playing with and realizing that she didn't have any of her own; I gave away an entire suitcase of Barbies to a little girl that stayed at the mission. When asked by my Grandparents why I did that, I said "It just seemed like the right thing to do." Throughout grade school, I received "the helpful helper" award and my report cards always had comments from teachers about how "helpful" I was. Looking back, I can see that the desire to "help" or "serve" others is a gift my grandparents passed on by actively living a life of service to not only strangers, but to those they loved and called 'family'. They would drop everything to help with anything a neighbor, friend or family member needed. They always showed up when invited and they were present for every game I cheered at, every play I had a part, and every choir concert I sang in. They even showed up to support my friends throughout the years.

My life was turned upside down when my brother, Tyce was killed in a tragic train/bicycle accident at the age of seven. I was thirteen. Somehow in the midst of all the sadness I was able to get a grasp on how precious our lives truly are. The greatest blessing I've ever received was that of my brother's passing, because it made me grateful for every breath I take. It wasn't easy and it took years to heal my broken heart; I went through the seven stages of grief--anger, etc. I feel so fortunate that God blessed me with the strength and courage to continue on my own life's journey. After my brother passed away, my mom was extremely distraught and depressed. Shortly after I started my freshman year of high school, I asked to live with my grandparents. My mom and my father (they were divorced before I was one) signed over custody when I was fourteen. I am grateful to all of my parents for the roles they have played in my life.

I am now twenty-four and when I was sixteen I heard the music of Jason Mraz for the first time. Music is my greatest passion and I grew up doing community theatre, school musicals and singing in one of the top high school choirs in the nation. Naturally, I was drawn to Jason's charismatic nature, along with his amazing ability to express himself through music and lyrics. His music inspired me to travel and through my travels for the next four or five years, I starting meeting some amazing people. Soon, I wasn't just traveling because of the music, but because I had acquired a new group of 'concert friends.' As time went I on, I continued to meet more and more people through the Mraz community, and in 2006 I met my friend, Billy Galewood. In the summer of 2007 he really awakened me to the thought that anything is possible and that my dreams could become reality. He was a beacon of light during some dark times in my life and he really encouraged me to move away from my comfort zone of family and 'home'. He encouraged me to leap into the unknown and for that, I am eternally grateful.

In the spring of 2008, I got on airplane alone, for the first time. I had always flown with my family. I was scared out of my mind, but I knew this was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I met my good friend, Allie from Michigan, (who I met at in the summer of 2006 at a Mraz show) in San Francisco. She and I spent almost two weeks going from San Francisco to San Diego. We rented a car, slept in it most nights and froze our butts off showering at the public beach showers. It was a very transformational trip for both of us and we both stood together watching the sunset in Ocean Beach and said "this is home."

I made a promise to myself that I would be living in California by August of 2008. I left Indiana on August 8, 2008 with my friend and former lover, Kevin and arrived in California (after a pit stop with another Mraz concert friend, Micaela in Denver!) on August 14th. We hitchhiked out of pure curiosity to see if we could do it. It ended up being one of the greatest adventures of my life. Since then I have lived in Sebastopol, CA, with a two month stint in Hollywood, and eventually found myself in my new home, San Diego.

I have been here now for a year and seven months and WOW, I didn't know I could be this happy. I have lived and worked at an international traveler's hostel called Lucky D's for over a year and I love my job. I get to meet people from all over the world and experience this gorgeous city through the eyes of others, every day. I've made friends and memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Outside of the hostel, the friends I made going to concerts have remained a steady part of my life and through the friendships with them, I have been lucky enough to be included in a beautiful community of people that live throughout San Diego county and beyond.

Through this community, I have met some of the most beauty-full, inspiring women--one of them being Melissa Grove who was the dreamer of the "Love Event" that inspired this long-winded post of mine. I was so inspired to write about the magic that happened that night in the church.

Fellowship has always been one of my favorite words. My favorite definition is: family: an association of people who share common beliefs or activities.

What I experienced at the Love event was the first feeling of "fellowship" that I've had since leaving Indiana for California. Everyone there, was united by a common belief: LoVE. We were bonded by the power of positive thinking, positive (and fun!)music and just the simple message of "Being Love."

The night was filled with performances by Michael & Nancy Natter, Alysse Fischer, Alex Woodward, Dawn Mitschele, Bushwalla (Billy Galewood), the Voices of Prayze and Jason Mraz.

Since leaving my family, and the religion I was brought up with, my convictions have become something I am much more aware of. Some have changed and some have evolved. After much thought and self-examination, I have come to realize that self-exploration along with tranformational learning , peace, service, travel and love are the way to be NOW. Now is all we truly have and I'm going to be the best ME I can dream of!

I can't deny that Jason's influence through his music and his being is one of the most positive, uplifting and encouraging I've ever had affect me in my life. I'm amazed that my journey has now brought me to be an extended part of his community here in San Diego and I feel very blessed to be in the company of such loving and inspiring souls.

Just like the leaders of the church I grew up in (both men and women), I am being inspired to be a better person by the actions of the leaders around me now in our community. They are up to BIG things, changing the world starting with themselves and their communities...it's truly inspiring.

The leaders in my community travel the country and the world, affecting lives one by one with their inspirational messages of gratitude, service, love and peace. They are welcomed back into the community with open arms. THESE are our missionaries, well equipped with stories and pictures. But more importantly, they are inspired to be actively involved when they come back home. It doesn't stop when the tours, the month long bike rides in India, or the pilgrimages to South America are complete. They encourage the community to be less of a consumer and more of a contributor to the earth. They are being the change they wish to see in the world. It is so inspiring to be surrounded by so many equal and loving LEADERS. We can all lead and it is my intention to follow in their footsteps.

I laugh at myself now as I look back. I thought I was leaving a chunk of my life behind in Indiana and would be starting a new one out here. What is really happening is that I am taking all that was good and inspiring from my life in Indiana and without really searching for them--have found those same qualities of life exist here in San Diego: Community, Family, Service, and Fellowship. During the LoVE event, everyone was standing up, dancing, clapping, and singing at the top of their lungs in worship, not unlike the church service I attended in Indiana. Instead of bible quizzing and ballon volleyball; my community celebrates and worships all that is good by hula-hooping, dancing, juggling, yo-yo'ing and giving frequent high fives. We actively love each other. It's beautiful.

The LoVE event convinced me entirely that LoVE is my religion. If a crowd of 300 individuals can come together in fellowship to sing, dance and rejoice in being LOVE and by voting for positive change with our dollars, then I believe that we can expand that group of 300 to 3,000. 3, 000 to 3 million and 3 million to 3 billion and so on.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and I believe in the power of LOVE and the power of PEACE without weapons. I believe that we should be actively working to protect and preserve our earth. I believe that sustainable living is the only way to be living. I believe that marriage equality is a basic human right that we warriors of Love need to be actively fighting for. I believe that the power of BEING LOVE can change the world and help to end suffering. Global consciousness can change, if we want it, but it has to start within each one of us. Through our beings, we can continue to infect minds and cause a shift in global consciousness.

Speak out and speak up--The LoVE Revolution is here!

Feeling grateful for all my blessings past and present,

Tabatha

you are a big pill stuck going down

with you
i know what love is
i feel what love is
i become love

in your eyes i see the heavens
dancing like marionettes
through the sunset

thoughts on progression and nostalgia on a foggy, grey day

a conversation between hannah and i today sparked thoughts of simplicity, the way the world was when i was younger and memories of home:

they're ruining our view
taking up space, making noise all day
digging up dirt for another structure
not worth living in
construction is destruction
rich folks want the view of the bay
and the sunset all for themselves
what about the little guys
we live in a building that's over 100 years
with four stories, our view is stunted here
but we make do with what already exists
rather than spend millions
for condos that will be lonely

what happened to a nail and hammer?
where did the kerosene heaters go?
wood burning stoves and fireplaces that really burn WOOD?

where are all the typewriters and gas stoves?
who stole all the turntables?
what is that robot hand of a robot god doing
tearing up the parking lot
across from me on market street?

what's an mp3?
do humans even still bleed?
all these buttons on an unrecognizable tv

what happened to old tractor tire swings?
horses and buggies in the streets?

who looks forward to the county fair?
do you eat breakfast with your mayor?
basketball in winter, football in fall


i miss the slow pace of a small town where everyone knows who you are and you've got someone to call on for every task. where men, hammers, screw guns and saws come together and build a barn or house within days while the women keep food and coffee fresh. where friends stop by just cause they were going for a drive and saw you sitting on the front porch swing.

you go out for dinner and always see familiar faces. where folks wave when they ride their bike, or drive their buggy/tractor by your house, even if you don't know who they are.

auctions and benefit bake sales are a social gathering. you go christmas caroling every winter at the nursing home because it's just what you do. your family goes hunting for food and sport, but mostly for food. animals are raised for food and loved dearly. one acre gardens aren't uncommon and neither is leaving a locked box (honor system) for money with your extra produce to sell to customers going by.

fish frys and carnivals at school. choir concerts, community theatre, musicals and plays.

i could go on and on.

the key to my lock resides in me

"my aunt always said the world will never find peace until men fell at their women's feet and begged for forgiveness"--jack kerouac, on the road

this may be true, but i've come to terms that sometimes i have to get on my knees and apologize to my self. i deserve better than what i give my mind, body and spirit sometimes.

dear self,

you are beautiful and divine. you deserve more love than i can imagine and i'm going to be the one to give it to you. you are worthy and by loving you, i will only be able to love others more. you deserve to be taken care of and treated like a goddess, everyday. i love you!

with love,
tabatha


lately i've had conversations with some of the amazing women in my life and with myself about the power that we posess. we are the bearers of life. we are the nurturers and gardeners of our environment. we are full of grace, love, joy and patience. that's the kind of woman i aspire to be.

recently in a conversation with two of my beautiful female friends who are a few years wiser than i am--i said "he never contacted me, so i didn't go. i guess he was just busy." both of them at the same time responded with: "if he wanted you there, you would have been there."

at first that felt like a smack in the face, but the reality is that it's truth. such a lesson in life. it may have just been a slipped thought of his, but either way--if i was meant to be there, i would have been.

i had built up expectations in my mind for another being, and not only is that not fair, but it's not loving. it's not loving to myself, who comes first and it's not loving to others. the only expectations i can build up are for myself and with that i can only hold myself accountable. i harbor no malicious thoughts towards him. i feel very blessed to call him friend.

more often than not, i forget that i can stand alone on my own two feet without the affection or attention of a man. i'm quitting that behavior. it's natural to crave the attention, but we must realize that we don't need it to survive. there are some amazing men in my life, but i've realized the way i discover the beautiful characteristics and desirable traits about them is to be their friend first. if love happens later down the line, you win twice.

just within the past year, i have become increasingly aware of the power i hold within myself and how i can use it to my advantage in a positive way without hurting others. i hold the key to my lock, and always will.

i'm still feel completely awkward at times when it comes to men and dating, but i'm focusing on just being. i'm focusing on loving myself so much that i create that i am a strong, independent, self-loving and respecting woman. if others see that i love myself and i'm evolving each day; great, i've made a friend. if not, i wish them well on their journey.

as a girl, i have to admit that i've still never been on a proper date. the kind where he calls, asks for a date then picks you up at your door. you go out to the activity he's planned, the date is wonderful, he drops you at home without inviting him in, and ends with a proper kiss goodnight.

maybe that only happens in the movies, but i'll keep waiting to see if that's true.

he don't love me anymore...tell me where i go from here?

did someone piss in your cheerios this morning?

i make mistakes. i say things i shouldn't say. i do things you may not like. i do things i don't like.


a lot of days i feel very broken. i am my very own, personalized, humpty-dumpty puzzle. most days i feel like i'm waking up to another day of trying to fit the pieces together. some days i can put a few pieces together; other days i wait for sleep so i can rest my mind from the puzzle of my life for at least a few hours, only to wake up and do it all over again. it's a labor of love, i guess. ultimately, i only have myself, so going through the ups and downs on this roller coaster of life is a privilege that is mine only and i should appreciate the uniqueness of my being.

most days i feel like a big loser, but can usually find something to be grateful for or something that makes me happy. the sun alone makes me feel good.

a lot of people i'm surrounded with say it's easy to choose to be happy, to be positive. while i agree, i can't ignore negative or bad feelings when they come around. people hurt me. i hurt people. it happens, i can't deny that life would be great if it were all love and acceptance. that'd be fucking awesome. it's just not the case though. all humans experience suffering in one form or another. sometimes it's difficult to show others love in the midst of suffering.

i hope you can love me while i'm suffering. love me when i'm up and when i'm down.
i'm not perfect and maybe the choices i make don't make sense in your eyes. but that's the beauty of the world-each and everyone of us is unique and we can't all fit into a mold or one idea of being.
if not, i wish you peace in your times of suffering and much love.
i'm a good-hearted person and if the world was ending, i'd be here for you.

for sound and music dorks

i hope you all appreciate this as much as i do. i love the display of the connection between sound and sight. SO COOL!

thanks to my friends at superforest.org for giving me this gift of sight and sound.



Time Piece

Charlie | MySpace Video

i am all i need, anything or anyone else is icing on my cake

our history has already
been written, babe

today i saw your face
the first time this year
for ten minutes
i found my peace

my unsettled soul
is calmed by your
smile and loving eyes

no one can take away what we gave each other
she's still here

i'm doing better, but thoughts
of you both make me stumble
my breath catches in my chest
while my heart races

i search for solace
finding nothing but myself, alone.

fighting back tears
whole, big, perfect tears
full of sorrow and love

how can this be?
alone i am without all
alone i am all

just another night at lucky d's

eyes were like fireflys
ears surrounded by candy colored clouds

raise me up in branches
barricading your emotions from
sucking me down under
neath the roots of you

you revealed the
inside of the light
late one wednesday

a fateful existence
we are
chosen to evolve
humbly here
amidst energies of a cast of
past and present characters

okay, i've got it figured out 2010

this year i am going to be awesome at LIFE.

i am going to be awesome at living, at being.

i'm going to be independent, strong and kind.

i can DO anything! i can BE anything!

this is the year, my year.

the year i learn to stand on my own two feet and expand my knowledge and learning without feeling self conscious or worrying about what others will think.

this year, i will love my self more than i ever have because i am worthy.

and i will love others because they are worthy.

i will learn to just be, in the moment. i will love with no expectations.

my knowledge is power. but it's not power i seek, i seek knowledge so that i can continue to build myself into a better human being with hope that my example will inspire others to do the same. to empower themselves because they are worthy.

this year will be the year i transform into a higher level of consciousness and being while hoping that i will only continue to evolve as the decade unfolds.


i am woman, hear me ROAR.