loving is the key to forgiveness:::refilling a hollowed heart

today i cried when i washed my face.

i walked to the sink room with soap in my hand, grabbed a washcloth out of the linen closet on my way and turned on the water.

maybe it was the sensation of warm water on my face that became my trigger.

or maybe it was all the female country/indie/folk music i was listening to before i made my way down the hall.

or maybe it was because my friend hurt me with actions that they couldn't control because of being under the influence of alcohol. actions they couldn't control because i wasn't on their mind while they acted them out.

or maybe it was because i'm human.

when people we love hurt us, it's so easy to be angry and to do or say things that will pierce their heart like a spinning knife on fire that had a picture of their happiest memory pasted on it.

i continue to learn as the months go on, my beautiful journey continues to unfold, and tears stream down my face from my own pain. i continue to love.

my own mother has hurt me. my own father has hurt me. my faith in all things good was tested by taking my sweet baby brother away from me when i was thirteen and he was seven. i've witnessed my parents hurt each other, themselves and others.

i had a deep understanding of suffering at a very young age. we all suffer, each one of us. every human knows on some level what it feels like to have our hearts feel hollow. that's human.

it's would be easy to continue the cycle my parents started for me. i've hit my own brothers with my fist, i've called names and pulled hair. i was a child and copying the behavior of the adults around me, my parents.

(it makes me sick to think about that now. that i could ever be so miserable that i'd have to act out angrily with anyone, let alone my sweet little brothers; makes me think i should write them each a letter and tell them how much i regret my angry reactions and that i love them more than the moon is bright.)

now as an adult, i can see that my parents weren't loving and adoring to themselves, so how could they have possibly had the energy to love and adore me?

i realize that the way to my happiness and a righteous existence here as a human, is to first love myself. i love myself so much that i get excited to be me when i wake up in the morning. i'm awesome! the second is to love everyone, all humans unconditionally and without expectations.

i'm sharing this because even though i feel like i've figured out part of my "way to higher consciousness" puzzle, i still need reminding of the ways of love and actively loving.

when i'm hurt by you, i will still love you. when you're hurt by me, i will still love you and will have faith that you will still love me too.

the only experiences i know are my own.